In Her Eyes
by bookwurm23
Summary: It was in her eyes when she came back from America." Edmund knew there was something wrong with Susan when she came back from her "vacation" to America. A collection of memories from Edmund's point of view concerning Susan, Aslan, and so much more.


Disclaimer: The wonderful characters of this story are from C.S. Lewis's mind, and I'm just playing with his "toys", though they were perhaps something more than just that.

_A/N: I'm sorry if it seems a little random. It's just a collection of stories that I wrote when I was bored or blocked. I hope you understand it, and I hope that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please drop a line if you can! On with the show! _

It was in her eyes ever since she came back from America, and I knew it. Perhaps it was there even _before_ then.

The day I first noticed was exactly one day after she had gotten back.

It was a Tuesday, and all seemed to be well. Mother and Father had already gone to bed, and Lucy, Peter, Susan and I were all sitting in the living room, reminiscing about Narnia quietly.

_"I wish we could have a ball here! It would be so much fun! And Susan could plan it and we could all dance and have such a merry time!" Lucy said wistfully. _

_I shook my head, imagining; a ball in _England_? No, that would be absolutely no fun at all. But I knew it would cheer Susan up to talk about how she might have planned it and she had been acting rather dreary lately (though I had only seen her for one day since she had gotten back), so I didn't say anything sarcastic as I might have under different circumstances. _

_But instead of nodding her head enthusiastically and getting that dreamy look in her eyes when she talked about Narnia (or parties, for that matter. It was a look I had come to fear in Narnia), she only nodded resignedly, politely, and replied, "I'm sure it would be great fun."_

_Lucy ignored her lack of enthusiasm and replaced it instead with her own. I was sure she had noticed, but she always did know when to push things like that. _

_"Oh! And we could have invited the Beavers, and Cor and Corin and Aravis, and all of our best friends! And then we could dance all night long and have the best food (not this nasty war rations business we've been getting.) and I could play my pipes with Mr. Tumnus, and-" she prattled on. _

_But at that point I stopped paying attention. What on earth could be wrong with Susan? She had always loved to talk about a good party before, something that I had never understood. Had she finally come to her senses? It seemed highly unlikely that after fifteen years in Narnia without a single sign of her losing interest in them she would suddenly think them a bore now._

_I studied her intensely, trying to see something that I hadn't thought to notice before._

_I saw only a flash in her eyes and then it was hidden. It wasn't a good flash- I could tell by the nervous clenching in my belly at the sight of it. I had learned to trust my instincts- they were normally right. Nothing good could come of whatever emotion was in her eyes, and so I vowed to myself to figure out what was wrong with my gentle sister. _

I tried to convince myself that Susan would get better as time went on, but being a very truthful person, sometimes especially to myself, I knew that things would get much, much worse. She was the type of person who was used to stability, and she liked to have things stay the same. It made her happy to go about her days in the same routine, and I doubted that she would ever change. So, I realized that it had to be ripping her apart to not see any of her old friends, or plan any parties, or be courted after- to not have everyone around her bow with respect or call her Queen though she had told everyone who bowed to stand back up, or anyone close to her to call her Susan.

Not only that, but I knew that she missed Aslan most of all, was more unsure of him, more than any of her many friends. She had always found it the hardest to believe things without seeing, the Doubting Thomas of our family- she needed things to be real, to be there for her to touch, taste, and feel.

She started to drift away slowly, generally staying completely silent when we talked about Narnia, and sometimes even slipping away when talk shifted to Aslan.

Everyone noticed, but we never said anything about it. We all knew Susan well enough to know that she needed her space, at least for right now.

Even though we could all see this, I could see the hurt look in Lucy's eyes whenever Susan slipped away, and Peter's pained eyes when she stayed silent all through a conversation.

I said nothing, not wishing to interfere unless I had to.

As time went on and months went by, Susan fell farther away from our grasps, like water slipping and trickling through a closed fist.

I tried to talk to Susan many times, but she always managed to avoid me somehow, especially by keeping to her friends, where we couldn't talk about Narnia.

I had to admit that my temper was flaring, and I was about ready to have a real row with her, friends or not.

But one day, a Sunday shortly after her return, the hols after the summer she had left, we went to church, something we hadn't done for a while, thanks to the war.

That was the day something finally broke it me. And, while it was an extremely joyous day, it was soured by the falling out of me and Susan at the end of it.

_It was a Sunday, and only the second or third time we were able to go to church since the war had started. _

_Peter and I had told ourselves that we would have to put on a good example for Lucy (though we of course knew she shouldn't need one, because in reality she was about twenty four years old), which was the only reason we weren't sighing and moaning about the dullness of it all. We didn't mind church so much after Narnia- we found it was rather like a meeting with a Calormene. But at least the Calormene was funny. (unintentionally, of course). _

_ But, this particular Sunday, we got to the church rather early. Lucy was twiddling her thumbs absently, and Peter was simply sitting with his eyes closed- he was tired from all the studying he had to do for school now a days, no doubt. _

_I wasn't tired enough to sit with my eyes closed without moving around every few seconds (my younger body was much more prone to fidgeting than my older one), and I certainly wasn't going to look like the little girl Lucy looked like twiddling her thumbs. So, I did the only thing I could do. I picked up one of the bibles on the inside of the pews and started to read. I started looking for the proverbs section, thinking to compare the Narnian proverbs with the Christian ones of this world, and see if they weren't so very different. _

_Well, as I was flipping towards where I thought they would be (the back), I landed on a page, and one word jumped out at me. "_Crucify" _We had been learning about crucifixion in class, as well as all the other ways that they put people to death in days long past. _

_I couldn't imagine that any man, no matter what he did, deserved to suffer so from the hands of one so unjust as a man- kill him only if he deserves it, and let Aslan punish him from there- that was my view on the matter. _

_But why would someone be crucified in the bible?_

_I, being only ten years old when I had last gone to a church, hadn't paid any attention to the lessons that mass could hold for me, and nor had I ever read the bible, though it was required reading in most classes where I had went to school, and I thus had nearly no knowledge of what the stories of the church were, except that a man named Jesus was very important in the literature. _

_So, I wasn't to know that when I read over the story quickly, I would gasp sharply in surprise, and nor was I to know that I would stumble across such findings as I did. I hadn't expected to find Him so soon! _

_"What's wrong, Ed?" Whispered Lucy concernedly. _

_"I found Him!" I excitedly said, perhaps a bit too loudly. _

_"Where?" She asked, her voice rising the slightest bit. I shushed her gently and showed her the page number and the passage. _

"_What's all the hullaballoo about, then?" Peter asked irritably. He'd obviously just woken up from a very short nap, but I knew the news would cheer him right up. _

_"Read this!" I said, in the tone that I had used a couple years ago when I found important material in the library; clearly excited, and very enthusiastic. _

_His eyes questioned me but I just shrugged and handed him my book. _

_It was at about this time that I heard another sharp gasp, something that I imagined quite resembled my own. _

_And after that was Peter's soft gasp, not as sharp as ours, a little more like he was letting out a breath of air loudly than a sharp, surprised inhalation. _

_We put our heads together to discuss the new progression. _

_"Do you think it's really him?" I asked, trying to make sure that Lucy and Peter agreed with me, though, based on their gasps, they had made the same connection that I had. _

_They both nodded, and Lucy said, "I don't know how I missed it before. Now, it just seems like… He was here this whole time, I suppose, and I hadn't even seen him." _

_"I feel the exact same way, Lu." Peter said, nodding. _

_"Susan!" Lucy whisper-yelled at Susan. She either didn't hear her or ignored her, so I poked her sharply, as she was sitting right next to me, in-between mother and I. _

_"We've found Him, Su!" Lucy began excitedly. _

_"Hush you three! Do you want to be the laughing stock of the church?" Susan cut in sternly. _

_Lucy's face took on a very hurt look and Peter's face turned a bit angry. Mine, I'm sure was calm, because I felt murderous. (I had been told that when I was exceptionally angry, my face went calm. Susan had once described it as the calm before the storm.) She had been toeing the line, lately, but now she had crossed it. It was all well to avoid talking about him, but to outright deny Him like that- it was something I couldn't stand for. And I was about to say so, too, but I decided that I would have to suffice with talking to her after church. I let the joyous mood take over me again as me and my other two siblings put our heads to whisper about our new learnings. _

That was when we had found Aslan in our world. Each of us listened intently to the words the priest was saying, searching for Aslan in every word. We were each jubilant- we had found our King, we had found our Country, through him, again.

When we got home, I tried to ignore Susan for favor of rejoicing with Lucy and Peter, and generally succeeded. Lucy talked to Susan quietly, and I assume, asked her to join us. She came back to us with a hurt frown on her face.

_"What happened?" Peter growled. He was obviously becoming fed up with Susan's nonchalant actions as well. _

_Lucy sniffled and wiped her nose with a hanky before replying. "I invited her to come celebrate with us in your room, but she said she didn't know what I was talking about. And then, when I tried to tell her, she only said that she didn't even want to know!" A tear ran down her face. _

_What had happened to my genial sister? Who had replaced Susan in this world? Ever since she had come back from America, she had been superficial and materialistic. She began to cease to be Queen_ _Susan the Gentle of Narnia. _

_Whoever it was, I didn't like her. I wished she would go back whence she came, and never bother my family again. _

_"Why, I ought to-" Peter began, after Lucy had finished her story. He was only mildly angry, however, because Susan, no matter how _unlike_ Susan she was, continued to be our sister, and we would always love her. _

_"It's alright Lu. We'll just go up to Peter's room and have a grand old time." I said, trying to remind Lucy of why we were celebrating. It worked instantly, though the fire never completely left Peter's eyes. _

_We tromped up to Peter's room, Lucy laughing joyfully again as though nothing had happened at something that Peter had said, and Peter reaching out and tickling her a little bit. _

_I knew that Lucy hadn't liked coming back from Narnia to be a 8 (though she was now nine) year old girl- I understood. We missed the respect. But Lucy had also told me once that if she had to be a young girl again, she may as well enjoy all the innocence people attributed with it- she had a while yet before she had to act as a young lady with poise and manners, for which she was grateful. She had never much liked that part of being grown up, though Susan lived for it. _

_As we walked down the hallway, I put out my elbow to Lucy, and said mockingly polite, "Shall we, my Lady?" I could help but smile widely at Lucy's grin as we stepped through the door, Peter laughing heartily. We all were so ecstatic that we were nearly giddy- in Narnia we had always held a celebration during or after Aslan came, and here was no different. We would have a joyous time- I would see to it. _

_"Might I have this dance, Lady?" Peter asked bowing low. _

_Lucy giggled. "Of course, my King."_

_I hummed an old Narnian jig for them to dance to, and they jumped about the room (though it was cluttered) as though they were in a dance hall, Lucy admittedly much more graceful than Peter. _

_Lu had always said that I was the better dancer, no matter how much I wished to deny it. She said that it was wonderful to watch me and Susan dancing together. (Though she continuously insisted that I save the last dance for her after a particular ball, which is a story for another time.)_

_I missed Susan's familiar presence and the absence of her high lilting voice together with mine (though it sounded much better with Peter's voice. Hers was high enough to balance his extremely low one) shook me. _

_ After the dance was over, Lucy went to hers and Susan's room to retrieve a little wooden flute that she had carved in imitations of one that she had had in Narnia. _

_She blew in it, and we all sat, content to listen to the beautiful and haunting melody of a Narnian lullaby. _

_Lucy had told us that it was the same one that Mr. Tumnus had used to put her to sleep when he was going to turn her in to _her_ and she held a special place in her heart for it. (For, it was the first Narnian music she had ever heard, and her very first and most trusted friend, Mr. Tumnus, had taught it to her.)_

_Susan didn't come in once._

I had made a promise to myself that day; I would talk to Susan. It doesn't _sound _hard to keep, but it was. I tried, day after day, to get her alone- but she avoided me at all costs, even talking to people she didn't like over talking to me. I had to admit it: that hurt. When (since coming to Narnia) had I ever intentionally hurt her? It added to my anger that she would avoid me as such; she had been brave and gentle once- what had happened to both traits?

Finally, about a week and a half after finding Jesus (in England, that was what we called Him, for here it was who He was) I cornered her.

Mother had asked two of us to go to the store, and I had appealed to Peter to let me go. He knew I was the best diplomat of the family, so he gladly gave me position, in hopes of me bringing sense to Susan, I'm sure. Lucy wasn't feeling well anyway, so he gladly stayed behind to take care of her.

_"Be careful, Ed." Peter half hugged me and slapped me on the back._

"_Help her, Edmund, and stay safe." Lucy said, tears shining in her eyes. She was especially scared for us: The war was still wreaking havoc on England, and she was paranoid without her cordial with her, in case she needed to restore one of us. She was also the most hurt by Susan's behavior. They had always been close, so being pushed away was heart breaking for her, I would imagine, though she tried not to show it, ever the brave soul._

_I smiled at her, and hugged her tight, knowing it would bring her some comfort, as touch always did for her. "I'll do my best, Lu." _

_When she let go of me, Peter pulled her to him and waved me out of the room. _

_"C'mon, Su. Or aren't you coming?" I said, perhaps a bit too cheerfully as I walked down the stairs to the door. _

_"Yes, yes, I'm coming, dear. Wait a moment though, will you?" her voice came down the stairs,, too sweet and high. _

_Once, it had brought me the upmost comfort- second only to Aslan's voice. Now it represented most of the things I hated. Now, it made me grimace, clenching my teeth. When had her sweet voice turned _too _sweet? _

_I pulled on my coat calmly. I had wanted to get there _before_ sunset came and went, but I could be patient. Though my patience was slowly dwindling. _

_"Su. I'm going to leave without you!" I said loudly up the stairs. _

_"No! Wait, I'm coming I'm coming!" She said, aggravated. She came down the stairs, looking in a little portable mirror that she carried with her. _

_"Mother said that we had to go together." She said, obviously aggravated with me. I held back a smile. It had always been fun to annoy Susan, but annoying _this_ Susan was even better. _

_"Well, then, come on." I said, gesturing out the door, with one hand, while taking her light jacket of the hook with the other. _

_I held it out for her, and she stepped into it without a thank-you. _You're welcome_, I thought sarcastically. _

_We had to walk, as Susan was still one or two years away from being able to drive yet. I tried to get her to talk, waiting for the exactly right moment to confront her. _

_"How was the cinema you went to yesterday?" I asked her. _

_"Oh, it was perfectly lovely, Edmund! You would have just loved it." I highly doubted that. "It was all dark in there, and the movie was a wonderful job. It was a wonderful love story, and I can't remember what it was called." She prattled. _

_"I'm sure, Su." I said to appease her, though I doubted I would enjoy the dark very much. Night was wonderful, and I liked it a bit better than the day, to be sure, but the unnatural dark unnerved me, reminding me of many campaigns gone wrong. _

_"And then, later that day, I talked to this boy-" She gushed. _

_Now, _that_ was something that I couldn't handle. Or perhaps the better word would be _wouldn't_ handle. _

_"None of that please, Su." I pleaded with her. _

_"Well, fine then." She said, looking a bit hurt. _

_Things were silent as we continued on the store. We got there and retrieved our sugar and tea. We were still on rations, so there wasn't very much to go around, but I was able to get an extra box of tea with a couple well placed words._

_We started walking back, still silent. I was thinking about how to start the conversation, so I didn't really notice that Susan had started to hum something absent mindedly until I recognized it. _

_"So you _do_ remember." I said, conversationally, knowing that it would unnerve her. _

_She abruptly stopped her humming. "I don't know what you're talking about." Susan said, obviously getting a little panicked. _

_ I began conversationally again, "How has your swimming been going lately?" _

_"I quit swimming." Susan said, voice hard. _

_"And what's your favorite color?" It used to be gold- she had always said that it was a sign of love for Aslan's golden eyes and Lucy and Peter's golden curls. _

_"Scarlet." She said. For the color of lipstick, and the life blood of the Old Susan I added silently._

_"Where has the real Susan gone?" I asked sadly instead, shaking my head. _

_"The_ real_ Susan is right here." She said coldly. "And here she shall stay. I can't believe I was so silly before, to egg you all on about that silly game. I don't know what I was thinking."_

_"It was _not_ a game." I said fiercely. "Do you not remember Aslan? The other talking animals, and your very best friends, the dryads? Do you not remember your _people_? _

_"It's not real!" She said back, just as fiercely. _

_I drew myself up to my full height, which wasn't nearly as much as it had been as I only just reached to her shoulder, and said, "You have crossed the line. I will tolerate this no longer!" I said coldly. Lucy had always said that I had freezing cold anger, while Peter had fiery hot; we balanced each other out. Peter took longer to anger, but one he _was_ upset, he would show it. I, on the other hand had quite the temper, though I was quite good at hiding it, from myself and others. _

_I tried to hold it back now, though I knew she could see the anger in my eyes. She had known me for 25 years: how could she _not_ see it? _

_"Do you realize that you have made Lucy _cry?"

_Susan paled, but stubbornly held on to her insistence. "She would have found it out sometime. It was only a game." She said resolutely. _

_Still drawn up to my full height, and I'm sure looking deadly, I hissed, "I would be dead right now, if _He_ wasn't real."_

_"It wasn't real." She shook her head, tears trailing down her face._

_"I felt every blow across my face, every lash across my back. And you say it isn't real?" _

_"Stop it, Ed! I can't do it- I just can't!" She sobbed. _

_"No, Susan, _I _can't do it. I can't watch you turn away as though you've never been to Narnia; I can't watch you turn your back on what you know to be true." I replied heatedly._

_"Don't say that word, Edmund. You're only lying to yourself! It wasn't real. Grow up!" _

_"Then I'm not real, Susan. Because I am Narnia, and Narnia is me; and the same for you- once a King or Queen of Narnia, always a King or Queen of Narnia." I reminded her fiercely. _

_"Stop saying that. Just stop! She cried. _

_"Let me help you, Su. We've always helped each other! I could understand if only you would tell me."_

_"No one could ever understand, Edmund! Not even you." She turned away, shamed. _

_"Aslan is always with you, Susan." I said, guessing it was her largest problem._

_"Where is he now? How can he be with me if he was never really there in the first place?" She said. "There is no more Aslan for me, Ed." She said sadly._

_I picked my head up, and said, "So be it, Susan. There was a time I denied Him as well. But you'll see, one day, what I saw. And it shan't be an easy lesson- that I know from personal experience." _

_She kept her head down but didn't say anything. _

_"He will always take you back, Susan. Remember that." By that time we had stopped at the door of the house. I walked in the house and through the kitchen to put to tea away for mother, and let Susan be with her thoughts._

It was the first and most adamant argument that we had. I would always try to remind her of the words I had spoken, for each one was true. She grew away from us faster than before, though she would occasionally relapse into the old Susan for a day if we went to the beach or somewhere that reminded her of Narnia.

After a year passed from the argument, she gradually stopped relapsing. She began to spend less time with us, which made Lucy distraught, though when she did, she never talked about Aslan or Narnia, instead prattling on about makeup and nylons. We gradually stopped trying to talk to Susan about Narnia: I figured that if Aslan wanted her to come back, she would come back. Everything happened for a reason.

Peter was beginning to doubt that she would ever come back, though he hoped; Lucy stubbornly held on to the thought that Susan would one day soon come back to her senses and admit that she was lying to herself. I doubted both. Susan would come back When He willed it, though it wouldn't necessarily be anytime soon.

I comforted both whenever I could and was in turn comforted myself. Through Susan's absence, the three of us grew closer than ever, to make up for our missing fourth, though we each missed her more and more everyday.

And, though I tried to understand, I did occasionally let my temper over power my sense; several rows were the result of such happenings.

A couple years after mine and Susan's first fight, Peter went away to Oxford to get a degree in teaching. I and Lucy both were distraught and lonely, but we tried our best to overcome our grief. We bonded even more than before, and we comforted each other. We did much together, often times each the other's only friend. Often, we would sit in Lucy's room and reminisce of Narnia and the Voyage, talking in the older type of speak as we had in our older years to keep in practice, as if we could ever forget. We both enjoyed that type of speaking much more, as it was much more descriptive. It reminded us of Narnia, a bitter sweet memory.

Susan would go to more and more parties and social events with her friends, and her suitor grew more in number and insistence. I had a hard time keeping them away from her, and many a time she scolded me for discouraging one that she particularly liked. I particularly remember her second or third suitor, one that I disliked from the start.

"_Oh, here he is now!" Susan said excitedly._

_Lucy, Susan and I were all sitting in the living room- Lucy was reading a book, one of Shakespeare, I thought, while I wrote a letter to father, who was still fighting in the war, though the end seemed to draw closer every day. _

"_Mm hmm. Have fun, Su." Lucy said distractedly. She was enjoying the language I was sure- it was a little like the way we had spoken. _

"_He's coming in, I hope." I said, raising my eyebrow. Since Peter had gone to Oxford recently, he told me to keep an eye on her frequently changing suitors. I had told him that he needn't have asked. He only laughed. _

"_Oh, of course! What kind of man doesn't come in to meet the parents before a date?" Susan asked skeptically. _

_"A coward." I smirked, remembering several suitors when Susan had been older. _

_"Oh, stop." She replied. _

_We heard a rap on the door, and I grimaced as Susan checked her hair and makeup before going to let him in. _

_He looked decent, I suppose. His hair was a light brown, and he might've been attractive, though I wouldn't know. But I could see it in his eyes: he had less than honorable intentions. _

_I nudged Lucy, who sat next to me, and said, "Hark who's here." smirking. _

_"Hmm? Oh, it's what's his name- George, I think. Or was it Gary?" _

_"I think it was Gary." I grimaced again. Even his name was awful. _

_"I suppose I ought to go greet him…" I trailed off. It was one of my least favorite parts; the greeting. Scaring them out of their wits was actually quite fun, though I no longer had the means to do that and had to revert to unnerving and embarrassing them instead. Both Susan and Lucy scolded me for it, but I found it was worth it to see the look on the young man's face when he was embarrassed by a "boy" younger than him- I also noticed Lucy's eyes sparkling with repressed mirth, and often times, behind closed doors, we would laugh for minutes on end, clutching our stomachs. _

_I walked into the foray, where Susan was just taking his coat for him, and stuck out my hand to him. It was best to be civil and act like a boy in the beginning: it threw them off. It was a tactic that I had used many times, on (and off) the battle field. _

_"Hullo." I said, as he shook my outstretched hand. _

_"Hullo, there." He said pleasantly, and perhaps with a note of sarcasm in his voice. _

_My amusement was awakened at this, though I highly doubt he noticed, and I decided to make it all the worse for him. It wouldn't hurt the boy to teach him a lesson in being humble. _

_"My name is Edmund Pevensie." I said, loosening my grip, keeping things short and to the point. _

_"Gary Wellington. Pleased to meet you." He let go of my hand. _

_He turned back to Susan to ask where Mother was, and I turned back around to head to the living room, which was where mother would take him to get acquainted with him. _

_On my way back, I caught Lucy looking at me doubtfully, so I winked at her. She suppressed a giggle with her hand, and I sat back down next to her ungracefully. _

_I stuck my stationary underneath the cushion of the couch; I would resume writing that at a later date. _

_"So, what will the tactic be this time, Ed? Embarrassment or shame?" She giggled quietly, though obviously a tad bit disapproving. _

_I smiled mischievously and replied, "Both." _

_"Come in here, Gary. Mum will be right out in a second."_

_"No problem, Suzy." Suzy? If any one had called her that in Narnia, she would have politely disengaged herself from his arm and told him that he should just go home, as any man who took the liberty of calling her _Suzy_ (something that even we, those closest to her had never called her) had no business trying to court a queen. _

_Now, she only flirted with him and giggled. I saw a change on her face as soon as he called her that for a brief second, though it was gone quickly. _

_Lucy and I grimaced at the name. My dislike of the young man only intensified, and I tried not to glare. _

_Instead, I rolled my eyes at Lucy, who giggled again. All of this had to be worth it if I could make Lucy chuckle. She had a way of making you want to see her smile. As a boy of ten, before Narnia, even my bitter self had had a hard time resisting her innocent face, though I almost always defeated it through my jealousy of her_

_Gary took a seat on the loveseat across from the room, looking very uncomfortable at being "alone" with me. _

_I smirked: things would only get worse._

"_So, Gary. How old are you?"_

_He looked a little surprised, to be honest, by my question. I supposed it was because I appeared to be so young- he was obviously taken off guard by it. I held back another smirk. _

"_Er- I'm seventeen." How young he was! But I appeared to be younger than that. _

"_How long have you known Su for?" I asked conversationally._

_He looked confused, as though wondering why a sibling cared this much; what was this world coming to?_

"_About a month." He said, the befuddled note in his voice as well as his face. I could feel Lucy trembling beside me with suppressed laughter. If I could help it, she would be laughing out right soon._

"_Why did you ask her to accompany you?" I asked with childish innocence. It might've been better for Lu to have asked that one, I mused. A fifteen year old boy could hardly be called "innocent", especially if he was _actually _a man nearing his thirties. _

"_Well," He began, clearly uncomfortable. I hid my grin. "She's quite pretty, and very kind. I don't know a better person." _

_I nearly snorted- of course he didn't know a better person; even if Susan was obsessed with make up, she was still occasionally the Real Susan, which made her one of the best people you _could_ meet. And besides- he can't have been hanging around with very many compassionate people anyhow- it wouldn't have been a hard standard to beat._

_But Susan beamed at him, obviously pleased with his answer. (He looked like he was as well). _

"_Only one rule, then-" I said seriously, though I meant it in jest. If Peter were here, he would have smacked me, which made it all the more fun. Gary nodded his head, unsuspecting._

"_- you must not kiss Susan." I offered no explanation, though I was secretly laughing. His face was a sight- confusion in every line in his face. Lucy was shaking discretely- she wouldn't hold up much longer. I completely ignored Susan's glare; she'd had this trick played on many a suitor and the Cair, and it was nice to see that she was still annoyed with it. We had yet to see if she would be so forgiving afterwards, though._

"_I'll remember, Ed. No worries." He smiled, clearly not worried. I ground my teeth at the nickname- only my family was allowed to call me that. _

_This was just too much for Lucy: she quickly stood up and said innocently, obviously biting her lip to keep from smiling, "I have to go to the lou." She glanced at me before she left and I winked again, hoping to get her to laugh a bit earlier than she planned. I could hear her laughing as she walked up the stairs, and even after she was in her room, I could still hear the muffled cries of mirth. _

_Poor Gary looked confused again, so I decided to "clear him up" in the matter. "It was a comedy." I said, looking at the book suggestively, though I didn't necessarily mean the book. _

"_Ah..." He recognized. _

_Mother had obviously heard Lucy's laughter as well, because when she walked down the stairs she asked the room, "What was she on about?"_

_Gary answered for me and said, "Her book was a comedy.", nodding his head towards the book. _

_Mum looked at it and after clearly seeing the title ("Romeo and Juliet") she said, "I see."_

_Gary stood up smoothly and ran his left hand through his hair in a way that I imagined he thought was "cute"; it was, in actuality, annoying. _

_He then stuck his right hand out to mum to shake. "Pleased to meet you, Mrs. Pevensie. I'm Gary Wellington." He smiled a bit. I resisted a gag- he reminded me a bit of some of the over-eager girls who had tried to court Peter- fake and very egotistical._

_Mum smiled. "I'm very happy to meet you too, Mr. Wellington." She said a bit condescendingly, obviously judging his character on the spot. It seemed she judged in his favor, because a second later, she smiled warmly at him and motioned to the couch. "Please, sit and make yourself comfortable, Gary."_

_Now I would have to be careful; mother wasn't afraid to send me out of the room when I was being "rude". _

_Mother and Gary went through a conversation that I barely paid attention to: I was still thinking about Narnia- remembering when we had real suitors; the serious ones. I remembered Rabadash- he'd had Susan fooled, as well as everyone else in Narnia, though I had always told her that I didn't trust him. _

_Soon enough, though, mother got up and excused herself to start dinner. (Susan was going to eat with Gary's family). As soon as Gary and Susan went to the foray and I was sure mother was in the kitchen, I hugged Susan quickly, nearly gagging at all the perfume she wore- perhaps she didn't actually like the boy and was trying to choke him! "Have fun. And be careful" I said._

_I turned then to Gary and stuck my hand out again for him to shake. He took it in what he probably supposed was a firm grip, and shook._

"_If she comes back any condition different than the one I gave her to you in, you'll wish you never set eyes on her." I whispered fiercely, deadly serious. _

_He obviously saw that it was _not_ an idle threat, and simply nodded, gulping. _

_I let go of his hand and turned back to walk up the stairs and laugh with Lucy._

Susan came home, not in tears, but in a rage. Unfortunately, it was directed at me. Apparently, she wasn't so forgiving here as she had been in Narnia. She scolded me sternly, even crying at one time. I was confused- she hadn't ever acted that way in Narnia. Since when had suitors been so important to her?  
When I asked as much, she hit me with a small handbag that she was carrying. I was even more appalled- when had Susan _ever_ lost her manners that she thought were so important? This was the first time.  
I couldn't sleep that night, not for the first time that week. The nightmares had been coming back, but I refused to let either one of the girls see me in _that_ state. Peter had always been my comforter in those instances, and that was how it would stay. So, I lost another precious night of sleep.  
Gary was gone within another date, and I had a feeling that it was partially my fault. Susan was upset, but not as much as she could've been, which I took as a good sign- perhaps she was forgiving me.

A couple days after Gary was gone, I came with a plea of forgiveness, and, surprisingly enough, she actually granted it.

That year, our father was returned to us, as well as Peter for summer holidays. It marked the official four year anniversary since going to Narnia for Lucy and I.

It was a wonderful day for everyone, but what stood out the most in my memory was how my father had looked at us.

_Lucy and I were playing chess. She had gotten better over the years, so that now it was _almost_ a challenge to beat her. Peter would always be the most fun to play chess with, but he wasn't coming for another day yet. (at least that was what he had said.)_

"_Check!" She said joyfully. She knew that I didn't let her win, as others did when we played, so now she was jubilant. I was almost sad to have to show her that "check" did _not_ win a game of chess. _

_I moved my queen to position, finding her way through Lucy's defense, and said, "Check-_mate_." Lucy stuck her tongue out at me. _

"_Can't you just let me win for once?" She whined. _

"_Absolutely not- I never have before, and I never will. You must win by yourself." I said grinning. _

"_Pretty please?" She widened her pretty blue eyes at me and pouted. _

"_Don't even bother, Lu. You and I both know that my never letting you win is what makes you like to play with me." I said- it was the truth, too._

_She mock sighed and "You're right, brother, as usual. But I bet I could beat you this time!" She cried excitedly. _

"_This is the last game-" I warned her. _

"_I promise- the last game. Now let us play!" She said. I shook my head at her excitement. How old would she grow to be before she lost her wonder at the world? Before she too lost her childish innocence? _

_We set up the board again, and were just beginning the game when we heard a knock at our locked door. Was it Susan, come back from her party already? Mother was already preparing a small lunch for us, so it must have been Susan, I reasoned. _

_Whom I forgot to factor into the mix was Peter. So, I was surprised when I went to open the door for who I thought was, Su, and instead saw a very wet Peter. _

_I gave him a tight hug. I had missed his guidance and love and protection. Life wasn't the same without Susan, and things had only gotten worse with the loss of Peter. He kissed my forehead as a blessing (a Narnian tradition) and held me away from him by the shoulders, as if to survey me. He looked up and down at me, and said, "Just as I remember you at 16. You'll grow into the same sort, I think- even if you are a bit scrawny from the English air." _

_I snorted. "Look at you. You're nearing your older age again, are you not? You look nearly the same as well. Except now you look like you would rather be anywhere else." I laughed. _

_He slapped me on the back merrily. "Where are Lucy and Susan?" He asked excitedly. "I had wanted to surprise you all." He confided, looking around the foray for Lucy. _

_The person in question came wandering into the room, as though looking for the reason she had not heard Susan running up the stairs. _

_She laid eyes upon Peter, and immediately jumped into his arms. "Peter!" She cried._

"_Ah, I missed you, Lu!" he said, squeezing her tight. _

"_I missed you too, Peter! Susan's at a party," She whispered the last part, "And I don't know when she'll come back." Then her face turned jolly again, "But, me and Edmund have some funny stories to tell that we weren't able to tell last time you came back!" She ran to the couch and plopped down on it, beckoning us over. _

"_How long are you staying?" I asked casually, hoping he could stay for a long while. _

"_About six weeks, I'd imagine." He smiled. "I've gotten a job and I'm saving up- perhaps we could all go visit the beach house?" _

"_That'd be fun." I nodded, smiling. "I think Su needs a reminder- it seems as though she's forgotten." _

_Peter's smile fell away. "She's gotten worse?"_

"_Aye." I said. I didn't go on, because I wanted him to be happy while he was here, instead of brooding over something that he could not change._

_We reached the couch and Peter sat down and made himself comfortable. Me and Lucy sat on either side of him- he let Lucy lean on him and he put his arm around her, as well as around me, lightly._

"_What have you two been doing while I was gone? Nothing too horrible, I hope." He said, his eyes sparkling. _

"_You can tell him some of the story of Wellington, Lu. I never was able to tell stories well." I said, smiling at her. _

"_Ooh you'll like this story, Peter!" She said excitedly. Peter chuckled at her happiness. _

"_Then do tell, sister!" He laughed. _

"_Well, do you remember that first suitor from England? Johnny? The one that you didn't like?" Lucy began. _

"_This one was worse. Anyway, let us begin our tale in typical Narnian fashion." She started solemnly. "In the fifth year since the end of reign of The Four in the season of leaf fall on a second day, if Aslan wishes, this story takes place." _

_"Edmund and I found ourselves on the couch, left to our own devices, waiting for Susan's newest suitor to come in. I didn't catch much of Susan and Edmund's conversation, as I was immersed in a book, and I didn't realize that Susan's presence was gone from the room until Edmund elbowed me." She said. _

"_Edmund went out to talk to the boy and introduce himself. I suppose he didn't like him much from the first, because he came out and winked at me. I asked if it was to be embarrassment or shame, and he said both." She giggled at the memory. _

"_Well, then Gary came out into the living room. He was very nice looking, but I could tell he wasn't very nice. _

"_Ed started asking him all sorts of odd questions and making him quite uncomfortable, I'm sure."_

"_Anyway, after Edmund told the poor boy that he couldn't kiss Susan, I promptly left my seat and went to the bedroom where I couldn't keep back my laughter any longer." She giggled again. _

"_Edmund told me later that night that he had told Gary that I was reading a comedy, but it was actually Romeo and Juliet. He said that mother came in, and after seeing the title and hearing Gary give the excuse that Ed had, she looked at him quite strangely." Peter chuckled. _

"_Susan was a sight when she came back home- I've never seen her so mad. She started hitting Edmund with her purse!" Lucy started laughing, as Peter and I started to as well. _

"_Since when did you start lying, Edmund?" Peter said teasingly. _

"_I never said the book was the comedy." I smirked. _

_He chuckled again- it was nice to share a laugh. "I just wish I could have seen her afterwards." I snorted. _

"_I wish I hadn't had to. I would have traded places with you in a second, brother." _

"_How's university going, Peter?" Lucy asked. _

"_It's… very odd All of it is so frivolous- it's almost amusing to see so many people caught up in the little problems of life, like the clothes one wears, or how ones hair looks; grades. I miss all of you very much. We've never been apart for so long, have we?" He asked._

"_We missed you too, Peter! Nothing is the same anymore, especially since Susan has gone." She hugged him tight. I stayed silent- Peter already knew that I missed him, there was no need for me to say it. _

"_Edmund's been having nightmares again, too." She confided in him. _

_I scowled. "Lu!" _

"_It's true." She said stubbornly. _

_Peter looked at me sternly, and said, "Let's talk about it later?" _

"_If I must." I sighed._

_Soon enough, though, we were all laughing and reminiscing of days long ago, particular the suitors that occupied some of them. _

"_Do you remember Rabadash?" Lucy started. "I can't believe I was fooled by him!" She said reproachfully. _

_All of sudden, just as Lucy opened her mouth to say more, some one knocked on the door. _

"_That must be Susan." I reasoned. _

"_I'll go greet her." Peter smiled, relishing the chance of surprising another person today. _

"_Where's mother, anyhow?" He asked, on his way to the door. _

"_The kitchen, cooking lunch, I'd assume." I replied._

_I heard the door open and then silence. I looked at Lucy questioningly for a moment, and then we both promptly went to the foray to see what the problem was. _

"_Oi, Su. What's the matter?" I called as I walked to the door._

"_Susan's not here?" A deep voice asked. It was a voice that I didn't recognize, though it seemed very vaguely familiar. _

"_Who's that?" Whispered Lucy. _

"_I'm not sure… I feel as though I've heard his voice before though." I answered curiously. _

_Me and Lu peeked into the foray to see who it was. _

"_Daddy?" Lucy gasped. _

_My eyes widened with surprise- nineteen years, it had been, since I had last seen my father. _

_Peter was just looking at him, his face surprised, though he still held him self like a king. _

_Lucy seemed unsure for a moment before crying, "Daddy!" and running into his arms as she had with Peter only fifteen minutes before. _

"_Ah, my little Lu-Lu!" Father said, beaming at her and ruffling her hair as he hugged her._

"_How I've missed my little sunshine!" He exclaimed. Then he pulled her away from him and said, "Now let me look at you." His eyes roamed over her face, drinking her in hungrily. _

"_You've grown!" He cried. _

"_Of course, Daddy. It's been five whole years!" She said._

"_Much too long." He said sadly. _

_Then he hugged her to him one last time and turned his eyes to Peter. He looked at Peter as Peter looked at him; they looked each other in the eyes for a moment, and then embraced, both with tears running down their faces. _

_Father said something to Peter that I tried not to listen to, as it seemed quite private. _

"_I see you've grown well, Peter! What a fine young man you look!" He said, looking over him again. "I can tell you've done well in being the man of the house; Did me proud." He said, nodding his head. _

_At that moment, Mother came running in, apparently at some point having heard us. She was wiping her hands on a dish towel, and looking down at her hands for a moment, started saying, "What's all this racket-" She then looked up to see father coming towards her. "David?!" She exclaimed, looking a bit light headed. _

"_Are you alright, Mum?" I asked a bit worriedly- I didn't want her to hurt herself. _

"_I'm better than I've been in a long time, dear!" She said breathlessly, still looking at dad. She ran at him, and hugged him full force, crying hysterically all the while, and saying things like, "I missed you so much, David. You can't ever leave me again!" through her tears. _

_That went on for a few moments and then dad turned to me. By then, the whole idea had processed through my head and I had tears in my eyes; now, I was actually seeing my father, after nineteen years of waiting! _

_Would he still think me the little child who, so long ago, had been selfish and bullying? Would he see him as the boy who would betray his sibling for sweets? _

_I dearly hoped not, though only time would tell. _

_Father looked towards me, taking me in, as I did with him. _

"_Hullo, dad. Welcome back." I said quietly, trying to forget the fact that I had tears in my eyes._

_He wordlessly stepped forward and brought me into a warm embrace. _

"_It's been so long." Father said. _

"_You don't even know, father." I said cryptically, tears running down my face. _

We all had a wonderful time talking and catching up, but I noticed father looking curiously between me, Lucy, and Peter sometimes, as though confused. I didn't worry too much, because mother had done the same thing when we had first gotten home as well- I supposed we had changed quite a bit from the children they had known. (Though I imagined that I had gone through the greatest change)

Susan came in later in the day; as she was greeting Father and hugging him tight and crying, for a couple moments I saw the old Susan return, just when she was hugging him. The gentility in her eyes was reminiscent of when she would greet one of us when we came home from a battle.

But it left soon after, and my hopes that father would be able to fix her plummeted. The only one who could help her now was Aslan himself.

That night, mother made us a good roast beef, something we hadn't had in ages, along with bread (which had been recently rationed) and butter, as well as gravy made with milk, instead of water. Everything was delicious, and the best that I had had since Narnia. (But nothing that was in England would ever be capable of tasting better than Narnian food.)

Susan relapsed more and more when she was around father, though she was always careful to snap back to her other self as soon as she noticed. Everyone else was a bit too preoccupied with father to notice, though.

Over the next days, father was always with a smile on his face, though his eyes were clouded with the knowledge of death, fear, and carnage. I knew that look well- I saw it in my own eyes, as well as Peter's, every day.

It comes when one goes to battle with a friend that never comes back, when one kills, when one fights for something one loves. It was a look that was haunting but proud, one that only hinted at the horrors the person wearing the look had seen. It was the look that would stay with you forever, sometimes fading, but never leaving. One that I'm sure my father recognized every time he saw me or Peter looking at one another, thinking the same thing in synchronization that came only from fighting in a battle with one another, whenever he saw Lucy reading a book with fighting in it, with a look of understanding and remembrance on her face, or Peter and I playing chess, Peter as a warrior, and I as a battle planner. And I'm sure that he wondered about it, and asked himself, "Why?"

One day, he had heard me and Peter right after I had had a night mare.

_/Cold, dark; pain, ripping across my back and my face-white all around- screaming, death; red. _Her_ face, telling me of my family's death by my betrayal, Aslan, dying on the table. Every one of my siblings white and still- dead. Mr. Tumnus, Sallowpad the Raven, all of my dearest friends and advisors, Oreius. Winter, forever- alone forever. "Traitor!" Peter's voice screams, echoing on the whiteness. "Betrayer!" Lucy's voice cried, sobbing. "Failure!" Susan says coldly. Flashes of swords, flash of cold blue light. Triumph, terrified. Beautiful cold face, evil smile, whispered words. "You can't save them. He's dead."_

_Cold pain, ripping in my abdomen, searing me, burning me with the ice. My heart slowed; death all around. No mercy- "Now you get what you deserved!" the witch's voice came from Aslan's great maw. White, all around. The smell of death in the air. No escape, closing in on me. Blackness edges in the edges of the white. All black._

_Sounds of fighting, screams of terror, metal on metal, yelling. _

_ A new scene- corpses everywhere. Bloody bodies, red. The stench of battle. Hatred, anger, pain. Empty eyes, white faces- sweat, body odor. Death. Pain. Black./_

_I woke up, panting, sheets wet with sweat, tears rolling down my face. I had been screaming- my mouth felt dry and scratchy. I started babbling- it didn't matter how many times I'd had the dream; I always woke the same way. "Traitor... Peter... Lucy! Dead. All my fault-" I cried, sobbing. I hardly noticed, but Peter had already started towards me, a bit groggily. _

_"The same one, Ed?" He asked quietly. _

_I whimpered and he came over and pulled me into a strong embrace. _

_"All of you- gone. I did it, Peter. It was my fault!" I cried into his shoulder, almost hysterical. _

_"Shh, shh." Peter said calmingly. "All is forgiven. I'm here- the girls are here. You are traitor no longer." He said. _

_"All of them- dead! Mr. Tumnus, Lucy, Sallowpad, Cor, Aravis, Corin, you, Susan, Aslan!" I went on. _

_I kept babbling who knows how long about the stench of the battle and the pain and _her_. I described everything- the carnage, the deaths, the pain- all in extreme detail. Peter nodded and calmed me, telling me everything would be alright, and that all was well. We could fight no longer. _

_Finally, as I was calming down and wasn't crying anymore, I looked up and standing there in the doorway was a very ridged father. I couldn't see his face, but I could imagine the look; surprise- disbelief that my "imagination" could have produced these horrors. Little did he know, some of it I had actually experienced, and some I had been close to experiencing. He understood most of what I had seen in the dream- he had had the same type of nightmares before, as all soldiers did. _

_"How long have you been there?" I asked quietly, not in the least ashamed of him seeing me that way- he had done the same before, I was sure, though mine were admittedly quite older than his were. I had calmed myself until I was nearly as calm as usual, taking comfort in that I had my brother by my side. With him and Aslan at my side, I could do anything. But despite the calm I had gained, I was still practically shaking from the dream. I was pleased that my voice had not wavered; it had taken a couple of years for me to master that, with much practice._

_"Long enough." He said. "How could you have such graphic nightmares? It's as though-" He started, voice disbelieving._

_"as though I've been to battle." I finished for him, knowingly, matter- of-factly. _"And much more."_ I almost said. I've fought in many battles, many wars, and many campaigns. I've been tortured, seen others tortured and had the weight of a world on my shoulders. I've been the traitor and the betrayed; I've written laws and been kidnapped and been on the brink of death. How many could say that they were a breath away from death and lived? _

_ "Yes." Came father's startled reply. _

_There was a short silence, during which my father fidgeted and shuffled his feet and weight about, clearly wanting me to elaborate and explain what I had meant by it. _

_I said nothing, not wishing to have to lie to him deliberately and out right unless I had to, though I knew it was likely I would either way. I hated to lie, unless it was necessary, though I knew I was quite good at it, based on all the practice I had had as a younger child in England, as well as my ability to hide much of my true feelings behind a mask of (sometimes, I was told, infuriating) calm. _

"_How would you know such things?" He asked with a hint of curiosity in his voice that was nearly over come by the horror in it. _

_Peter, who had since moved his hand to my shoulder, tensed slightly at the question, though I remained calm. I glanced at him briefly, sharing a look to reassure him. _All will be well_, mine said. I had said it orally to him countless times, and he knew my abilities well. We had been in battles so many times together, we could easily communicate with our eyes, exactly that having been the necessity quite a few times. He nodded slightly at me, to convey his trust in me, which I already knew I had. _

_I knew that the upcoming conversation was about to would convey the experience that I had gained for my 29 or so years, but perhaps this glimpse of who I really was, or had at least had been, would do my father well- help him understand how considerably changed I was since he had left. _

"_I know because I was burdened and blest by Him." I said gravely. _

_It was true. How blest was I to have been able to protect my country and my siblings so? How blest was I that I even _had_ such a country or family to protect? How lucky was I that I had been bestowed with such love? I knew not. But with the blessings, as with all things, burdens came; the burden of seeing those you knew and loved fall beside you in battle, of hearing the screams of pain, to feel the splatters of warm blood splashed on you from friend and foe alike. The burden of killing another life; the burden of knowing that no matter what I did, I would never be worthy of my family's love, of their forgiveness. That I, no matter how I tried to forget her face, would always see Jadis's evil smile right behind my eyelids, constantly haunting me, reminding me of past wrongs in my dreams. Those were burdens to go with the many blessings, though they, in and of themselves were blessings. That, with the painful remembrance of my wrong doings, I would never make the same mistakes again; that, with the ugly killing and screams of battle, I was able to value life, something that was so often taken for granted; that, with the knowledge of how unworthy I was of the love that was so freely given to me, I would always strive to be more worthy of it, and thus be a better person- those were some of the burdens, and thus blessings, that Aslan had given me- but I didn't expect my father to understand by such vague words, though it made perfect sense to me, and to some degree, Peter. _

_Father was, apparently, so stunned that he couldn't speak for a moment. "I thought you didn't believe in God?" He asked. _

_As a child, I had gone to church, as my mother and father had forced me. But, right after Father had told me that he would be leaving for the war, when I was a mere boy of ten and generally unknowing in such things, I had declared to him and him only that I did not believe in a God. He had only looked at me, and asked me why in a very understanding voice. I told him of Peter's dislike for me, of my jealousy of Lucy, of my hate for Susan's coddling, of how unfair my life seemed to be, especially since my favorite person was leaving. He had nodded his head understandingly and said, "I see." He looked disappointed, though he didn't say anything, most likely knowing that I would not budge on my amateur beliefs until I was proven quite otherwise. And so he had left, with that burden on his shoulders. _

_I snorted. "And that holds testament to what a beastly boy I was then." I said. I nearly hated the person I had been, loathed him as much as I had every loathed anybody before Eustace and Jadis. But I didn't hate him completely, because I knew that somewhere, hiding in that young, naïve, selfish, jealous, beastly, awful boy was the better person that I had become, though I was by no means perfect. I was utterly imperfect, especially compared with any of my siblings, though I tried. Aslan knows I tried. _

"_No," I continued, nearly recovered from the dream now, "I have believed for quite a while, now." And I had- twenty one years, I had believed in God, though very loosely translated, as I didn't realize it was to God that I was praying. _

_Peter squeezed my shoulder lightly for support. I appreciated it; Peter never did fail to reassure, in battle or otherwise. _

"_Oh? What brought it on?" Father asked, his curiosity most likely sparked. _

"_A lesson hard learned. A realization of the love my life was filled with, the blessings I had been given." I said. I had had something vaguely similar to this conversation with each of my siblings in their own right, so it was nothing new to Peter, though he squeezed my shoulder again. _

"_I see you've changed, Ed. You're not the same little boy anymore." Father said, sighing. _

"_I haven't been the same little boy for a long time, now. And I thank God everyday for it." I said fiercely. _

"_You've grown up, I see that now." He said, sighing again. "I'm proud of you- both of you- I can see each of you have grown into fine young men." He said proudly. I'm sure he didn't understand what I had been talking about before, but he knew when to leave it be, thank heavens._

_I was happy that father was proud of me, of course, but right after he said that, my sleepless nights caught up to me, and I yawned, my younger body needing much more sleep than I had been used to as an adult. Peter chuckled very softly, so that I might not have heard it had he not been standing so close. "It gets better, Ed." He said. _

_I scowled, and lightly elbowed him. He took the hint and retreated back into his own bed to get some much needed sleep, I'm sure. _

"'_night dad." Peter said tiredly. _

_I nodded once respectfully at father and said, "Good night, dad." _

"_Good night, boys. Or men, rather." Father chuckled, though it didn't sound completely sincere, having put the dream into the back of his head, apparently. _

"_If only you knew…" I said quietly after he had shuffled back down the hallway to his and mother's room. I put my head down and fell back to a restless sleep to the sound of Peter's light snores and even breathing._

Father took a very long time before he got used to our new personalities. Lucy was brighter than before Narnia, brighter with faith, love, and hope. Peter was far more magnificent. Whether he was in Narnia or not, he still had the air of a king, one that I was sure reflected by me, at least to some extent. Susan had changed, though hers was not in such a good way, at least not the change that was reflected. She seemed far more materialistic and superficial. I was sure I seemed graver than before, and far less selfish.

Eventually, though, father and I were nearly as close as before, though our bond would never be as strong as the bond I shared with Lucy, or (especially) Peter. We played chess whenever father had spare time. He wasn't as good as Peter, perhaps, but he improved as time went on. I'm not sure how he brushed it off that his sixteen year old son was beating him. Perhaps he sensed I wasn't truly sixteen- I'll never know.

Time went on- Peter visited as much as he could with University in the way. Every time I saw him, he looked more fatigued, and much older than the last time I had seen him. It was worrying, to say the least. We confided in each other, telling many stories, not all good.

Susan, over time, got decidedly worse- she was hardly around anymore, and Lucy was starting to lose some of that happy glow she normally had. The house felt colder without her normal warmth, and Susan's presence; however unlike Susan she was at the moment.

Susan decided not to go to University as Peter had, saying that she would get a job, though she had no need for a degree. It saddened me; what had happened to that gentle woman, always yearning to learn? _She is gone._ I told myself many times through out the months.

I went to boarding school dutifully, as Lucy did. The three of us- Peter, Lucy and I- kept up a steady stream of correspondences, many of them filled with long ago memories and support. Susan sometimes added a letter the mix, though hers never mentioned anything of Narnia. Soon, when I turned eighteen, with my leaving the house for University like Peter before me but a year away, Lucy snapped.

Tensions between her and Susan had grown over the years since Susan's change and that paired with my leaving her alone created the affair, though it was bound to happen sooner or later.

In Narnia, Lucy and Susan had had many arguments, as all siblings do, though theirs never lasted longer than 3 hours, at the very most.

But the unhappiness and avoidance on Susan's part had been building up for a couple years, ever since she had come back from America. Finally, Lucy had had enough. It was a rare thing to see Lucy very _mad_, though not an uncommon occurrence to find her upset or impatient or aggravated, though she did her best. She was just too happy and joyful a person to really let things get to her and make her genuinely angry at something. I had been waiting for a long while for her to snap, and I tried to prolong it as much as I could, but it was practically unstoppable.

Luckily, our parents weren't home, as they had gone off to shop for food supplies, most of which were still being rationed, even two years after the war.

_Me and Lucy found ourselves downstairs in the living room at around two o'clock, talking freely of Narnia, since mother and father weren't home. _

_"Do you remember when we were captured to be slaves?" Lucy asked. _

_"How could I forget?" I asked drily. It was true- that was an experience I would never forget. _

_"Poor Eustace. He was so upset." She smiled sympathetically._

_"Poor Eustace indeed. He nearly got us killed." I said. _

_"But he couldn't help it." Lucy said sternly, sticking up for the absent Eustace. _

_"And I suppose you could say it wasn't my fault when I betrayed you lot as well?" I asked wearily- we had talked about it many times. _

_"No- that was your fault, mostly. But Eustace knew no better." She said, still sticking up for the chap. _

_"If that's the way you see it, Lu." I chuckled, not really willing to argue with her much about it. I was tired- I had been having more nightmares lately, especially when Peter was gone. _

_We were all back home for a quick winter break, besides Peter, who wasn't able to come home yet- he wasn't due for at least three days._

_"Are they as bad as right after Beruna, Ed?" Lucy asked concerned, coming over to sit next to me. _

_I rubbed my temples a bit to try and relief the small headache I felt forming as I answered. "Sometimes worse." After my first battle, I had had the worst nightmares- quite nearly the same as the one that my father had heard me screaming about two years ago. They hadn't gotten worse as time went on, but their steady reoccurrence was nearly as bad as them getting worse. I looked no better for the wear. _

_Lucy rubbed my back- we had all had nightmares before- we all knew what it felt like. _

_"Are they of her?" She asked quietly, hugging me gently. She smelled of sunshine and daisies, her favorite flower- it was comforting and made me the slightest bit happier, though I couldn't help but moan a bit at the mention of _her_, though I tried to hold it back. _

_"She won't leave me alone. Every night- it's like being with _her_ all over again, only worse sometimes." I sighed, confessing. _

_"Oh, Edmund!" Lucy cried. She hugged me tighter, and I enveloped her in a returning hug, one of thanks. I had needed that. _

_We moved on to pleasanter subjects quickly, Lucy obviously changing the subject in record time. "Do you remember when we would go on picnics to that one clearing in the forest, or the cliff right over the sea?" Lucy sighed in longing. _

_I was about to reply with a nearly equal longing for the food that had been there, but I was intercepted by Susan as I was about to speak. _

_"When did we do things like that? I don't remember." Susan said, picking her way over to us while applying some sort of goop to her already heavily masked face. Susan was only barely recognizable, hidden under products and lipstick and fancy dresses for parties. _

_Lucy's blue eyes pooled with clear tears. "In Narnia, Susan! You must remember, you _must!_ The lovely dryads always singing and the fauns dancing, and Cor and Corin, you must remember Corin, and Aravis, and most of all, Aslan? Don't you remember seeing it? Riding on his back? His wonderful golden eyes that were always looking at you with such love, and the wonderful tawny mane that was always so soft to cry into!" She said crying. _

_"That's quite enough, Lucy. You're sixteen now- you may as well act like it. Those were all just silly games." Susan said sternly._

_"And Edmund! You should be ashamed for egging her on so!" She looked at me disapprovingly, as Lucy sat next to me, sputtering for Susan's last denial. _

_I was just about to say something to Susan quite coldly before Lucy cut me off. I was beginning to get annoying with not being able to start my blasted sentences. _

_"Why- Why-" Lucy spluttered, rage coloring every line on her face. _

_"How _dare_ you?" She all but spit at Susan, standing up right very quickly. _

_Susan looked surprised for a moment, her mouth opening and closing. _

_Lucy's eyes were burning with a fierce light that had been reserved for serious battles only. She was obviously very upset. _

_"I've let you go on like this for so long, Susan. How _could_ you?!?" She cried, sadness seeping into her voice. _

_"I-" I Susan began angrily, but Lucy paid no mind. _

_"But you simply can't say that you don't remember Him! It's impossible to forget! How _could_ you, Susan?" _

_"Look here, Lucy. That's enough-" Susan started again. _

_"No, Susan. _You_ look _here_- Tell me where you've gone! Where has my sister, the queen, gone? Because I can't believe that she's gone forever! She can't be gone." Lucy said, her voice fading off at the last sentence, disbelieving. _

_"I'm right here, Lucy!" Susan pleaded. _

_I kept my mouth shut- it was between them, and I doubted anything I could say would be heeded._

_"No- the real Susan has left! How could you leave, Susan? Leave me here? I love you, Ed loves you, Peter loves you,_ Aslan_ loves you- is that not enough?!?" Lucy continued. Her tears were falling now, though Susan remained just barely dry eyed- she was obviously on the brink of tears. _

_"I- I.." Susan started and then stopped. "I have a party to go to." She said, running out of the room. I heard the door slam. _

_Lucy wiped away her tears angrily. "She makes me so angry!" her voice shook. _

_"She's dealing with it in her own way. You are both different as the sun and the moon- it's no wonder you deal with things differently as well." I reminded her lightly. _

_"I know-" Lucy said. "I just can't stand it, though. How could she forget? Did those wonderful years mean nothing to her?" She sniffled._

_"Perhaps it was the memories that drove her to forget. They were memories filled with almost as much pain as joy- she might have felt it just to be easier to forget." I said contemplatively. _

_"Oh, Susan." Lucy sighed waveringly. "How could she ever forget Aslan?"_

_"I don't know, Lu. I don't know," I said, sadly shaking my head. I gathered Lucy up in my arms as though she were a little girl again and simply held her as she cried into my shirt._

That fight had been the first and the last between my two sisters and afterwards, whenever they were together, you could practically feel the tension between them; Lucy always looking at Su mournfully, Susan always evading her sad gaze. Over time, Lucy had accepted Susan's choice, though it didn't mean she liked it any better. She kept her arms open and waiting for when Susan came back to her, as she was sure she would. I stood in wait too—it couldn't last forever, could it? Aslan wouldn't let her stray so far from him that she could never be pulled back, would he? I could not pretend to know.

Life stayed the same, monotonous. I went to college, at Lucy's insistence she would be fine on her own. I didn't really believe her, and I actually wished I could forgo it—I knew enough from my days as King, and I had no wish to relearn all of it, not to mention the fact that I would like to save Lucy from any pain that I could, even if it meant staying home. What decided it in the end was the fact that I could see myself holding no job other than that of a judge—how could I be anything different after all those years? And yet, the position did not call to me—I already knew my true calling. I was supposed to be a King, and I could feel it in my bones; once a king or queen of Narnia, always a king or queen of Narnia. I knew the others felt the same way. Though we each had our own talents and skills, we were meant to rule and love Narnia, each in our own way. I made it through one year of college, not even a whole year. I made one friend, and then I was gone. The last time I saw Susan, I reminded her for the last time. It was around Winter time, or so, and just moving into spring, with the snow all melting, and the days growing warmer and longer. Susan was setting her things out to get ready for a party the next day.

"_Susan!" I called through the house. It was only five o'clock, so no one was asleep yet, and dinner wasn't until six 'o clock, so I had decided I was going to talk to her. I felt some great even fast approaching, besides the retrieval of the ring, and my stomach roiled and butterflies flew into the sides. _

"_What, Ed? I'm busy," She said, arranging her nice dress that was in the newest fashion and "simply gorgeous" shoes that she had just bought with her friend, Diana. _

"_I'm sorry for interrupting such an important event, but I must ask you something," I said sarcastically. _

"_Well, go on then. I've got to finish planning my outfit, and then I'll have to reapply my makeup and then phone Diana to tell her all about Roger and I most recent date, and then—" She listed, ticking off her fingers one by one. _

"_Alright, I shan't keep you long," I said, almost irritated. She reminded me of one of those tarkheenas from Calormene. They always had been the most annoying to deal with. _

"_I don't really expect you to understand a thing I tell you, so listen carefully, because I'm sure in time you'll understand. When all seems lost, turn to He who listens. He will take you back, Susan, because He loves you. He took me, a traitor back," I said, ignoring her curious and confused look. _

"_Secondly, don't take the love in your life for granted. You never know how blest with it you are until you've lost it." _

"_And lastly, judge not only with your heart, or only with your mind. Judge with your soul, because there lies the Lamb who knows, and he shall never lead you astray," I finished. I didn't even truly know why I had said it, but I knew in my heart I had to, and I would follow my instincts—they rarely led me wrong. It was something I had to do. Pressure was building up on me, like something so important was going to happen. I could feel it in the air, on the tip of my tongue, from the top of my head where my crown used to sit to the very tips of my toes that had so often had blisters from leading battle parties. _

"_What?" Susan's face was contorted in confusion. I had known Susan wouldn't know what I was talking about, but I could only hope she would remember, Aslan willing. _

"_Just remember, Su, please." I said, almost pleading her. I didn't know why it was so important. But I knew in my very soul it was; it was Aslan's will, and I was but the messenger. I left the room, turning abruptly to let her think about all of my words, and so I could go back to getting my things ready for the next huge day ahead of me. _

"_Wait, Ed! What does it mean?" Susan asked desperately. For a moment, she relapsed, and looked like her old self—yearning for new information, to know everything and anything about whatever it was that intrigued her. _

"_That is for you to find out, Susan. Trust in Him, because he will guide you." I said. It came out of its own accord, again. "I love you, Susan." I said, letting her look puzzled at me and give me a lipstick-y kiss right on the forehead. It was yet another let down of that blasted make up she seemed so fond of. _

"_I love you too, of course, dear." She said in that sweet voice again. The moment was gone, and the New Susan was back. _

That was the last time I spoke with Susan, and it was the best advice I had ever given her. Early the next morning, before even the sun was up, Peter, Lucy, and I went to drop Lucy off to meet Eustace and Jill and the others before we retrieved the rings. We got them with little problems and went back, each facing our own problems with resisting the temptation of the rings. That day was my last day of living. And yet, it was the day I first truly lived….

_A/N- This story was never actually going to be posted, but after some editing (very little. I'm sorry if there's many mistakes, though there shouldn't be!) I decided it was actually pretty good. Perhaps one of my best stories ever. This was just something that I was thinking about for a while. I actually started it when I was severely writer's blocked. It's definitely one of my favorites now. ___

_I loved Edmund's point of view, and I hope to write more from it! Thanks so much for reading, and I hope you enjoyed it! God bless, _

_Bookwurm23_


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